Understanding Narcissism

1: Rejecting the child

Narcissism begins with rejection. A child is rejected by the parent. We have an overly simplistic view of parenting when we limit the parent's responsibility to the child's physical needs. Many times, the parent ignores the child's emotional development. The parent may start to project their vision of how the child should be instead of accepting them for who they are. This can come in many different forms. Perhaps the child is expected to be "successful" to compensate for the parent's perceived failures. The child needs to seek prestige so that the parent can feel important. The child may be thrust into a role where they are expected to provide the parent with the support and affection they never received from their own parents. It is the parent's role to nurture and support the child, not the other way around, as we have discussed earlier. Failing to do so can lead the child to reject and suppress themselves.

2: Unbearable pain

A child is weak and fragile. Humans have the longest development period of any animal, which means that a child is forced to endure a long period of dependency on their parents. A child simply cannot resist the manipulation of the parent due to the extensive power imbalance. The pain of this conflict can become unbearable. Due to the sense that they are unlovable because of a perceived failure in themselves, the child may end up rejecting themselves. The self is characterized by your authentic feelings and who you deeply are, while the ego is how you view yourself and your dreams. Due to early pressure, there can be a disassociation between the ego and the self.

3: Creating an image

Pain can change people in many different ways. Once a child is rejected, they may start to create an image of themselves that has value. They create this image to gain the control and love they never received. A man might create an image of himself as someone who is infallible, viewing himself as perfect and free from sin. This image provides him with the validation he desperately desires. A woman might create an image of being immensely beautiful, spending her life pursuing her beauty due to the power and attention it brings her. These images or masks serve to hide insecurities. The greater the stress of life, the greater the image a narcissist creates. This is a way of controlling and denying feelings. Eventually, the narcissist cannot tell the difference between their image and who they are. They have fully denied themselves. The child who was once deemed unacceptable to others might have been promised they would be special if they became what their parents wanted them to be. For example, they might have been told that becoming a doctor would give them value. They fall in love with this image cast upon them instead of with themselves. A narcissist will try to appease this desire by feeding their image, but they will never be truly happy, as they have invested in the finite. Beauty, position, and status are all fleeting. Their insecurities will never be satisfied, no matter how far they go.

4: Numb emotions

We do not want to see a problem we cannot do anything about. Children start to block emotions because they are too strong for them to handle. They begin to go numb. Shielding a person from stimuli they cannot handle (emotional torture) is a part of the ego's function. The ego will deny reality, even denying that they were abused: "I had a loving family; their abuse was out of love." Narcissists develop a thick skin and become insensitive to themselves and others. To avoid pain and confusion, they start to dissociate and deny their feelings. They become obsessed with logic as a way to stay safe. This is conscious at first and eventually becomes unconscious, preventing them from seeing the painful and ugly reality of the situation. With too much stress, a boy might shut down emotionally and suppress the longing and desire for warmth and love. The image itself is a denial of one’s feelings. A grand image can cause one to ignore their painful inner world and seek external acceptance from others.

Numbing emotions is a challenge because emotions are an inevitable reality of life. These emotions lie deep within the narcissist, and they are not always able to suppress them. Eventually, the pressure can reach a breaking point, causing them to enter a childlike rage. Eventually, the narcissist will regain control. The narcissist is missing out on one of the most important aspects of being human, which is feeling emotions. Without emotions, life is lived like a machine. Spending existence this way is not truly living.

5: Power and control

As a child, a narcissist lives in constant fear, resentment, and humiliation. This creates a drive to achieve a position that can prevent these feelings. They quest for power and control in the hopes of transcending the sense of helplessness. They ascend the ladder of power and fall in love with their image. The drive for power and control is a bottomless endeavor, never truly satisfying them.

6: How to move forward?

It can be incredibly difficult to treat narcissists, as they often do not see their condition as a problem and may avoid treatment. I have reflected on strategies for addressing narcissism and have some suggestions for effective treatment. One approach is to focus on the symptoms they are experiencing. For instance, if they discuss their lack of relationships, use that as a starting point to explore their past. This can help bypass the ego issue. Understanding their childhood is very valuable. Discussing objective truths can gradually build towards a conclusion. For example, exploring what the role of a parent should be, and contrasting this with what they experienced, can be valuable. After this, a therapist could explore the adaptations the client made to avoid pain. These simple, non-accusatory discussions can help ease the process. A narcissist has lived in falsehoods their whole life; uncovering the truth can set them free.